No Way Out

No Way Out
　
A mother's thoughts for a day while suffering from total locked in syndrome
　
　
　
Looks like a good day outside. That blonde woman better hurry up or she is going to miss her bus. Oh there she is. And there's the bus. I wonder where she works. She looks like a business woman so probably in the city somewhere. A corporate firm. I wish I was going somewhere. God I'm so sick of sitting here in this stupid wheelchair day in,day out just looking out the window. Every time I am put up to this window it seems like an eternity till I'm moved. Not that anywhere else is better. Beats looking at the wall for hours on end though I guess. I hate it when the nurses face me that way.Yes looking outside at all the people going by is definitely the highlight of your day Joanna. I wonder when Johnny will come by again with the kids. Always seems like such a long time between visits but it's not like you can do much can you? Can't talk. Can't do anything. Can't even blink. No Joanna of course you had to go and get total locked in syndrome. Had never even heard of it before but when you saw the look on that doctor's face you knew it wasn't good didn't you.

Can't believe it happened on that trip though. Was supposed to be a dream trip. 12 countries in 18 days. Saved up for so long then two days in you get bitten by a snake. Not just any snake but a krait snake from India the only one that causes this kind of condition.Why? What have you done so horribly wrong to deserve this? In a world of murderers and rapists and everything else you get it not them. A fate worse than death. I'm really sick of hearing people in the corridors talking about it saying oh "its like being buried alive" as if they know. It's a lot worse than that. At least if your buried alive the oxygen will eventually run out and you are finally put out of your misery and die. I should be so lucky. It wouldn't be as bad if you could move my eyes but no you had to go and get total locked in syndrome not just locked in syndrome. Typical of you Joanna,always the high achiever.

I just have to say, ha ha "say" Joanna? God that's funny you can't talk. Not that you can even laugh at that either. Guess I can laugh in my mind. I suppose it's like when you don't actually roll your eyes but your thinking it to yourself when someone says something ridiculous. Anyway, the things you hear in this hospital. God if I ever do recover I could break up a few relationships and blow a few whistles. People cheating on their wives with co-workers,wrong medications being given out and covered up. I can't get over what people say sometimes, It's like hey guys I can't do anything but I'm not deaf. I can hear everything you are saying. But they just act like I'm not even in the room or within hearing distance. It's remarkable. Not being able to do anything and being considered useless it's amazing what you find out about some human beings that's for sure.

　
I wonder how Portia's dance recital went last night,she seemed so excited about it last time she was here. She looked so adorable in her costume. I just wish I was home to sew her costume for her. So bloody fed up with this place. Anyway I bet she did really well. She is growing up so fast. Be 13 next year, and I'm missing it.....I bet Johnny is watching the footy tonight. I think it's Saturday. Hang on I'll just get up and check the calendar. Oh that's right Joanna you can't,you have total locked in syndrome and are a complete zombie. Well that's what Bryce's friend calls you anyway.A zombie. Not to your face but you could still hear it. He said it loud enough. Can't blame him for being freaked out though I guess,you've seen yourself in the mirror and have to admit it's a bit weird, and it's you your looking at. That's kind of funny too. Pity you can't laugh though. That guy that told you that saying once a few years ago that "If you don't laugh you cry" has a lot to answer for. I can't do either. To be quite honest I don't want to laugh or cry I just want to scream...Particularly when people come in and tell me that "they know how I feel". How could they possibly know? Let's go and strap them into a wheelchair so they can't move,crush their voice box so they cant speak and compromise their breathing then pull there eyelids up so they can't blink and leave them like that and then they might have some idea of "how I feel".
Get a grip Joanna your thinking too many impure thoughts. These thoughts aren't you.

　
The doctors can always be wrong, they say no chance of recovery but they are doing wonderful things with medicine these days. You don't have a broken neck or anything Joanna it's just your whole central nervous system that's the problem. No big deal. Yeah right who am I kidding I'm stuck in this prison for life. Not that you could even call this a life. Not anymore anyway. I guess I should count myself lucky in some ways, I had 38 good years before this and had two wonderful children that I love and a great husband.He is probably doing it tough too looking after the kids and having a wife who can't do anything and just appears to be looking into space every day. He probably gets asked all the time "any change with Joanna" or "how's Joanna" or pity like "I'm so sorry to hear about Joanna". Pity is the natural reaction though I guess, I know when I saw Eliza that first time after her accident and she was in that wheelchair I pitied her and thought it would be so hard to live in that wheelchair for the rest of your life. I hated to admit it at the time but I was so glad it wasn't me. Now I would quite happily take being a paraplegic over this. Anything is better than this.

　
There's that little girl playing up again,little brat. Every time you come into this hospital to visit your grandfather you have a tantrum. Need some discipline.Mum clearly doesn't want to dish it out though obviously. Should bring the problem child in here and tell her this is what happens to girls that don't behave. I bet looking at me would give her a fright. Wouldn't do any good though,she would forget about it in 10 minutes and then start whinging about something else to her mother.

Wonder what the time is. Don't know why I'm bothering to think of the time. Not going anywhere. A day out for you is being taken out of your bed and a "walk" around the grounds in your wheelchair with the nurse. Hardly anything to write home about or get dressed up for. Not that you can do either Joanna don't say silly things like that to yourself. Here comes the nurse. Time to go back to my room I guess, today went quick only felt like half an eternity doing nothing today. Now I have a good 8 hours or more fun just lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in the dark. Doesn't get any better than that.  Oh when will this end, I can't take much more of this.....